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Time to Fight

My wife and I had a great fight last night. We had both been bristling a bit with each other and last night as we got into bed, you could have cut through the tension with a knife. I tried to playfully put myself in her way so she couldn’t lay down in bed (forcing her to engage with me) and so that she’d have to talk with me — and she tried her best to ignore me. But I want giving up that easily. Eventually, it erupted into the finger pointing, accusations, biting words, voiced frustrations, and tears that seem to be a rare but necessary part of our long-term wedded bliss. We voiced things that had been running around inside each of our individual heads, but that hasn’t been brought out into to light of our discussion together as one. Both of us were braced for the familiar tune of conflict — it starts out like the rumbling drums of an approaching storm, there are the pre-emptive sounds of the pokes and prods that test each other’s defense and mood, then the explosion of sound as the first bomb drops, the sound of active warfare and artillery fire as active warfare breaks out from both sides attacking, and at some point an olive branch is extended with a genuine and humble “What are some practical things that I can do to make that better for you?”

It isn’t said sarcastically, but acknowledges that I’m part of the problem and that I’m willing, able, and committed to resolving at least some of her complaints. The one statement doesn’t immediately cease all gunfire, but it begins to train the gunfire onto the issues we are encountering — rather than focusing on mutual annihilation. In the end, we are talking about the challenges, laughing at our misunderstandings, realizing that all of those whispers inside our heads accusing each other was just that enemy (the liar) trying to distract us from the love that we have for each other. We end up having one of our great discussions where things are brought into the light and we can address them as a unified team interested in battling the challenge, not just battling each other.

It things me that there is a need for warfare. There is a need for conflict and food good fights, because there is a battle — but it isn’t against each other — we learn to recognize and destroy the false arguments and distractions to see the real enemy:

‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭10:3‭-‬4‬ ‭NLT‬
[3] We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. [4] We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

https://bible.com/bible/116/2co.10.3.NLT

The Word of God even prescribes for us the armor that we should wear in order to victorious (not over each other but over the challenge):

‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:10‭-‬18‬ ‭NLT‬
[10] A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [11] Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. [12] For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. [13] Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. [14] Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. [15] For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. [16] In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. [17] Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. [18] Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

https://bible.com/bible/116/eph.6.10.NLT

There is an enemy — but for the wife, it is not her husband — and for the husband, it is not his wife:

‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:8‭-‬9‬ ‭NLT‬
[8] Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. [9] Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

https://bible.com/bible/116/1pe.5.8.NLT

The Word of God wisely reminds us of this battle that lies beneath what we see in front of us, so we cling to wisdom and praise our Teacher and Savior:

‭Psalms‬ ‭119:11‭-‬16‬ ‭NLT‬
[11] I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. [12] I praise you, O Lord; teach me your decrees. [13] I have recited aloud all the regulations you have given us. [14] I have rejoiced in your laws as much as in riches. [15] I will study your commandments and reflect on your ways. [16] I will delight in your decrees and not forget your word.

https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.119.11.NLT

Thank you, Jesus, for your victory. Thank you for your example of winning the battle without even lifting a sword and by even healing any ears that have been cut off. You are our example, and we love how you are making us more like you. Amen.

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Love your wife

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:25-33 NKJV

I want to be a great husband and father. I want to lead my family by my example of love. I want to be obedient to God. And I’ll be honest with you – most days, my greatest struggles are not with temptations, or my job, or with what I face in the streets/jails/rehab. The greatest challenge daily usually comes from within my own closest circle – either my family or those closest friends in my life.

Many times the greatest struggles are between our closest friends. Besides Jesus, I consider my wife to be my closest friend. But I have to admit that life inside our house is not perfect and without its tension, disagreements, and misunderstandings. When the Lord is calling us out into ever deeper waters, and we are making decisions constantly to swim against the stream of the ways of the world, and we are giving up on the very security and safety that our nature is used to craving – there is going to be tension even if that was just a single person being affected. But when it is a whole family – now you’re facing a challenge.

So how can we best deal with these situations? I like to look at how Christ treated people.

He asked questions and listened intently to see past any emotions, posturing, manipulation, and defensive behavior to hear the heart of their issue – so that He could address the root cause, not just the symptoms.

Christ offered His love and His guidance and was the leading evangelist,  teaching His disciples, His church, how to live a life more like Him. Discussions with Him would inevitably bring up convictions in the lives of those around Him over the things that weren’t yet yielded and that were self serving instead of honoring God and serving others – not because He was preaching AT them, but He was walking it out, and telling them, and showing them a right life.

When someone was willful and prideful, wanting to pull in a different direction that He knew was leading them to destruction, He was firm and bold – even to the point of direct correction – but even His correction had a loving purpose.  When someone was scared and of little faith, not yet trusting in God’s faithfulness to provide getting the need, and walking a doubt filled and powerless life, He was patient, gentle, and encouraging – but He still pointed out their doubt and their need to press in further. He didn’t crush anyone with direct judgement and condemnation, because the truth of His words spoke to them clearly and their own hearts either convicted them into new actions, or testified against their unwillingness to yield to His will.

Yes, He used discernment to see what was happening on the inside,  the underlying issue, and then He determined what fuel needed to be added to the fire. If someone was full of the darkness of bitterness, He would flame the fire of forgiveness, saying,  “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” If someone was full of the darkness of self interest and concern for their own plans,  He would flame the fire of sacrifice and service unto others. If someone was full of the darkness of worry and anxiety,  He would flame the fire of faith through offering either they lay down their heavy burdens at His feet or expect promised trials and testing that they cannot bear on their own. Yes, all of this to humble us, to remodel us, into a new creation that more and more resembles Christ.

And I’m supposed to show this kind of love towards my wife. And I’m supposed to lead my family in this same manner, making disciples of my children so that they can go out and bear their crosses and face opposition from the world. If we didn’t believe, we would laugh in the face of such nonsense and maybe settle for a Sunday morning religious practice to keep Good off of our backs so that we can spend our lives with the idol that we really love most, ourself.

But if we believe, there is work to be done daily. There is examination and guidance, and correction,  and firm leadership of the family that is expected from our fathers. There are difficult discussions and decisions that have to be has and made for the sake of our families – even in times where there is not yet agreement and unity, we must stand up and lead in love.

And we must learn to care enough about our families not to drag them along kicking and screaming, but to identify what they need and determine how we can best fill that need. To realize that what we think that we want is not always the same as what we need and what is best for us. We as fathers must strive to determine the true needs, and to provide for their needs, to make sure that an outpouring of His nourishing fruit is being fed to our families daily.

Love is not all puppies and balloons and cakes and ice cream. It takes work and sacrifice – and sometimes the very people you love and are trying to help would be happy with nothing less than hammering the nails into you themselves to watch you “die on the cross of your self righteousness” – but as long as it isn’t self righteousness and your only righteousness comes from Crust who lives in you, Jesus tells us –

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
John 15:13 NKJV

Lord, help us to feed our families with the fruit that they truly need from an eternal perspective, with a discerning eye, and with a loving heart. Amen.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 NKJV

But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
I Timothy 5:8 NKJV