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What if I want to understand,  but sometimes I just don’t feel like I get it?

What if I find myself reading the Bible,  praising the Lord,  and praying, and the answer just isn’t clear and obvious?

What if it is hard to tell whether I am putting myself in danger by the company that I choose to keep – or if I am being compassionate and caring for them by trying to help them – or if I am judging them by focusing on their needing help while overlooking my own shortcomings?

Proverbs 18:2 NLT
Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.

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How much time do I spend examining and correcting my own opinions by the Word of God instead of reading it to find the pieces that support my own opinions and desires?

Am I examining myself and using it as a surgical instrument to identify the things in me that need to be changed,  or am I looking outwardly for a direction to point this sword,  hanging on dearly to my own desires?

So many days I feel like a foolish child. I look over my mistakes and stumbles, and I wonder how the Lord could love even me. The whisper in my ear says, “You aren’t His. If you were, if you really loved Him,  you wouldn’t stumble like you do. You are proving time and time again that you aren’t His,  You are denying Him in your actions, You are not His.”

And there is a point to these words, because I had better be repentant if I am claiming Christ as my Savior. But there are times when that voice takes hold of me, and I struggle internally to know with complete certainty whether it is the Holy Spirit convicting me, or whether it is that great accuser dragging along the chains of guilt and shame to lure me back into captivity and slavery.

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You see, I don’t know it all. I’m not wise. I’m not a teacher. I’m just a messenger. And sometimes the message is easier to swallow than others. The milk goes down easy, but some of these heavier lessons,  where I really have to chew on them – I worry about even sharing the message,  because what if it is me only airing my own opinions instead of having the wisdom and understanding and discernment to communicate effectively to others.

You see, I trust God,  but I don’t trust me.

You see, I’m seeking understanding, but I can’t tell you that I’ve arrived. There are days when I find myself fearful to even share openly – because it scares me to be reminded that there is a false message out there,  and that not everyone who cries out Lord,  Lord is His.

But I wrestle with this,  because I am surrendered,  I am seeking daily, I am trusting in the Lord, and He has touched my life in such amazing ways – but I feel the darkness trying to take hold,  trying to find a foothold – or has it always been there and I’m still breaking the chains?

I find myself confused and fearful of falling into the hands of the Lord,  and I am humbled by the idea that I, this broken,  imperfect,  stumbling child will stand before the Lord,  with my one defense being that I believe and that I love you,  Lord,  and that I am trying.

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Like Peter standing on the beach by the fire, I fear that His question might crush me and wrench my very heart from my chest when I know the example of my life of stumbling compared to my weak  answer of,  “Yes,  I love you,  Lord.”

I just hope that I am feeding his sheep. I just hope that I am not spreading poison or confusion or distraction. Some will say that I should be bold and confident if I am called, but I say that is a quick ticket to prideful destruction. I do not fear sharing His Word. What I fear is myself getting in the way of His message.

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And shouldn’t that be the case for all of us?

Aren’t we all called to be disciples and make disciples? To share this Good News? To stand firmly upon the rock?

So how firmly are we standing if we are honest with ourselves? Are we not worn from battle at times? Do we not need healing ourselves? Or are we clean because we are nowhere near the battle lines?

Maybe that’s what some of us desire, to be stationed far from the battle lines. And then some of us who decide to jump into the battle realize that this war is real,  and that it is not for the timid. And some of us who thought ourselves to be courageous before we stepped out onto the waters, find out a lesson about true strength of faith ythmmMcHughwhen we lose sight for a moment and begin to sink.

But He is there to pull us back up upon the waters. We just need to step out in faith and keep our eyes firmly set upon the things that we can’t see. Because we walk by faith,  not by sight,  and our Savior walks with us.

So the question today is are you walking with Christ today?

Have you gotten out of the perceived safety of the boat, stepped out in faith, to walk toward your Lord and Savior?

Are your eyes fixed firmly upon His will and purpose for your life,  today?

I ask these questions of myself,  friend. I must remind myself each day. I hope to surrender and die to Christ again each day, turning over my life into His hands faithfully.

And even though the evidence of my life doesn’t yet reflect the perfect image of my teacher, I trust that He is remolding me,  changing me,  because I have a different heart. I do not want to stumble. I do not want to share my own opinions,  I want to understand and share His Truth. I want to feed His sheep. Because that is what He has called me to do. I just pray that He gives the sheep the grace to see past this messenger and to receive the message.

You have a message to deliver today.

You have a life to live honoring and glorifying the Lord today,  friend. Don’t think yourself unworthy of delivering the message that is entrusted to YOU today. He has entrusted you with it.

Feed His sheep,  friends.

Be the Christ that lives in you.

Touch this world with the Word today, and see the change that is so sorely needed.

Love.