Helping vs Enabling

Helping?
Enabling?

Am I helping someone do something challenging that will improve their situation?
Or letting someone continue to do what they want that is bad for them without facing consequences?

How can I tell the difference between helping vs enabling?

If it is easy and they could do it themselves, they should do it themselves. Teaching others to rely on us for what they could and should be doing for themselves creates an unhealthy dependence, an unbalanced relationship, and a dangerous power dynamic that can easily be abused or taken advantage of.

If we have to tolerate bad behavior — if we must make excuses or help “hide things” for others — if we cannot talk openly and directly about the decisions or actions that brought about the current circumstances — if the person only sees themselves as a victim of circumstances — if the person never genuinely contemplates how their own decisions and actions have contributed to the current circumstances — if the person will not learn from the situation to take responsibility themselves and make changes themselves — if you are doing things for them they could and should do for themselves — WE ARE PROBABLY NOT HELPING THEM.

Having a heart for others who are in need is a good thing, and we should be ready to help others who are truly in need.

When a person’s story focuses on their being a victim of circumstances, when it only focuses on their hurt/pain/ suffering — rather than what they are already doing on their own that is challenging them (identifying their own mistakes, learning what they can do differently themselves, sacrificing and working hard towards improvement that will help them in the future even if it is hard in the moment) — this is a sign of someone who wants to be enabled, rather than someone who wants to HELP THEMSELVES and have a friend or healthy support system ALONGSIDE THEM in THEIR OWN JOURNEY through this CHALLENGE.

Challenges in this life are an opportunity for individuals to learn and grow. The solution to someone else’s challenge IS NOT us inserting ourselves as the fix/solution/hero/savior and not allowing the challenge to be their journey.

Are we willing to listen, encourage, and invest time to help them work through the issue themselves (not being/providing the “quick fix” so that things can “go back to normal” as quickly a possible)?

Truly helping is not usually three quick or easy choice. Enabling is tempting because many times it makes the immediate challenge “go away” more quickly or easier (seemingly for us and for them).

But what if we put in the harder work of actually helping — rather than enabling — and rather than using “I might be enabling” as an excuse for just ignoring them?