My wife and I had a great fight last night. We had both been bristling a bit with each other and last night as we got into bed, you could have cut through the tension with a knife. I tried to playfully put myself in her way so she couldn’t lay down in bed (forcing her to engage with me) and so that she’d have to talk with me — and she tried her best to ignore me. But I want giving up that easily. Eventually, it erupted into the finger pointing, accusations, biting words, voiced frustrations, and tears that seem to be a rare but necessary part of our long-term wedded bliss. We voiced things that had been running around inside each of our individual heads, but that hasn’t been brought out into to light of our discussion together as one. Both of us were braced for the familiar tune of conflict — it starts out like the rumbling drums of an approaching storm, there are the pre-emptive sounds of the pokes and prods that test each other’s defense and mood, then the explosion of sound as the first bomb drops, the sound of active warfare and artillery fire as active warfare breaks out from both sides attacking, and at some point an olive branch is extended with a genuine and humble “What are some practical things that I can do to make that better for you?”
It isn’t said sarcastically, but acknowledges that I’m part of the problem and that I’m willing, able, and committed to resolving at least some of her complaints. The one statement doesn’t immediately cease all gunfire, but it begins to train the gunfire onto the issues we are encountering — rather than focusing on mutual annihilation. In the end, we are talking about the challenges, laughing at our misunderstandings, realizing that all of those whispers inside our heads accusing each other was just that enemy (the liar) trying to distract us from the love that we have for each other. We end up having one of our great discussions where things are brought into the light and we can address them as a unified team interested in battling the challenge, not just battling each other.
It things me that there is a need for warfare. There is a need for conflict and food good fights, because there is a battle — but it isn’t against each other — we learn to recognize and destroy the false arguments and distractions to see the real enemy:
2 Corinthians 10:3-4 NLT
[3] We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. [4] We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.
https://bible.com/bible/116/2co.10.3.NLT
The Word of God even prescribes for us the armor that we should wear in order to victorious (not over each other but over the challenge):
Ephesians 6:10-18 NLT
[10] A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [11] Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. [12] For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. [13] Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. [14] Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. [15] For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. [16] In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. [17] Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. [18] Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.
https://bible.com/bible/116/eph.6.10.NLT
There is an enemy — but for the wife, it is not her husband — and for the husband, it is not his wife:
1 Peter 5:8-9 NLT
[8] Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. [9] Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.
https://bible.com/bible/116/1pe.5.8.NLT
The Word of God wisely reminds us of this battle that lies beneath what we see in front of us, so we cling to wisdom and praise our Teacher and Savior:
Psalms 119:11-16 NLT
[11] I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. [12] I praise you, O Lord; teach me your decrees. [13] I have recited aloud all the regulations you have given us. [14] I have rejoiced in your laws as much as in riches. [15] I will study your commandments and reflect on your ways. [16] I will delight in your decrees and not forget your word.
https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.119.11.NLT
Thank you, Jesus, for your victory. Thank you for your example of winning the battle without even lifting a sword and by even healing any ears that have been cut off. You are our example, and we love how you are making us more like you. Amen.
Harold J. Ballinger 
It is easy to let things build in our hearts, when we ignore them and can lead to offense and bitterness. So good to know you and your wife dealt with the issues so they could not grow, Thank you for sharing how you overcome!
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